im fine. Im not a danger to myself or others. Any violent imagery is metaphorical.

EDIT: If you're reading this I'm fine. It passed. Im good.

Original post for posterity
Bruh. Fuck tonight my nigga.

This one of THOSE nights.

One of those "Goddam i wrote poetry for 8 years trying to explain this exact feeling and fucking failed" kind of nights.

One of those "No, imagery is the way. Speak the suffering. 'Imagine a black hole opening up in your chest and swallowing your heart and soul whole. Imagine the only feeling isn't the uncaring void of space but an inky black darkness that sticks to you like tar. Imagine knowing your heart, your love, your self love is in that voud somewhere and you cannot reach it any more than you can reach the Sun at midnight. Imagine feeling only despair until you grope for the edges of that despair and slice your hand open on what you discover is razor tipped malice. And just having to sit there with it.' That's what this always feels like. Like wet ashes that will never burn again" kind of nights.

One of those "#StreetFighter6 was a mistake i should have just worked on my novel and hit the heavy bag" nights cause slow novel progress doesn't make me feel as bad as trying to 'learn while losing' does" kind of nights

one of those "I'm a dumbass who's going to forget how miserable this feels and try to play the game again tomorrow" type of nights.

One of those miserable, dispiriting, awful "I'm so far from being a 1600 MR player that i might as well just quit now and save the frustration of toiling in 1475-1510 MR for the next 6 months to absolutely no avail" kinda nights.

One of those "No one will pull you from this. The people who know you and love you best can't reach you.You know this. You tried. You reached. You asked. For years. You are submerged. Sit. Suffer. Endure. Survive. Suffer. Suffer. Suffer. Suffer. Survive." kind of nights.

One of those, "Nah, i actually fucking suck at this game. I'm fucking trash bro. Yes there are people who are worse than me. They're trash too. Simple concept." type of nights.

One of those "fuck you. This is toxic negativity. Fuck off. Fuck me. Fuuuuuck everything." type of nights.

One of those "I know this is #ADHD and i know it'll pass and i know my feelings aren't permanent but they're so deep i can swim in them" type of nights. And i can't swim for shit.

I'm.... I know being "good" at a competitive game is a trap cause There's always someone better. i understand that.

But i feel hapless. I feel like the goals I've set for myself in this game are unrealistic and unattainable. I feel feeble and i feel stupid for setting those goals. I feel incapable of learning and incompetent and i can feel but i can't not feel and all i can feel is bad is bad is bad. I don't see any path to the numeric goal i have set for myself in this game.

But the game appeals to me sooooo deeply. The gameplay just clicks. I have never been this good at a Street Fighter game ever. The highs of the game tickle my motherfucking brain. The character i play feels perfect for me. She is fine. Marisa is good. My limitations hang around her neck like a millstone. I am the problem. Im garbage, yo.

I wasnt even playing ranked. I went into a server, asked for help played some casuals, and left worse than when i arrived.

Fuuuuuuuuck.